I’m bored!

For weeks, my mood has been ups and downs. Also, I’m getting lazy. After work, I don’t want to do anything only sit on my couch or take a nap.  I have to drag myself to cook dinner, clean, or exercise on my stationary bike. I have days where my mind’s it’s all over the place. I will love to accomplish something at home instead I’m tired all the time. I don’t turn on my computer as often as I used to. I feel bored.  We are off from school today and I did accomplish a few chores. And that’s enough for me. I’m getting ready to read a book. I’m tired already and I took my vitamins.

I’m back

I have been absent from blogging for a little bit. I decide to take a little break from social media and blogging. It was getting to be too much. My mind feels clear and with this absence from social media, I have a chance to take care of myself.

I was spending too much time reading stranger’s negatives comments about politics or the pandemic on social media. I was getting overwhelmed with all the negativity we have around I didn’t want to write in my blog, work on my journal, or read a book. My mind was feeling heavy. I was feeling sad and angry at everything. It was time to unplug for a while. I feel recharged. I finished a few projects I have put away and the Meds for the depression has been working fantastic. I wasn’t aware of how much social media and blogging was taking from me.

Meanwhile, I did some gardening for spring and got ready for the winter. I bought a stationary bike and every day I challenge myself to exercise. I took an online class “Creative Writing” and it was fun and inspiring. Also, a meditation class that helps to balance my life including a budget plan. If I want to retire in five years, I need to have a plan. I did a few changes and at this time it’s working. Unplugging myself from social media and focusing on my goals it has been helpful and a big change.

To finalize this post, I have wonderful news. I became for the fifth time a grandma of a baby boy. He was born on October 21. I haven’t seen him since I have a cold, but as soon as I get better, I will hold him in my arms.

Happy Sunday!

SoCS~”More”

I have been absent from my blog and social media for a while. I took a break to take care of myself. Mentally, I wasn’t in a good place. Taking this break and with the doctor increasing my medication, I’m feeling much healthier.  It was the right decision.

Yes, I’m behind on some projects around the house. I have a pile of books to read and chores to finish. Since I’m feeling more energetic, I will catch up. No more feeling miserable or sad with myself. I permitted myself to take breaks when I’m overwhelmed. My doctor suggested taking those breaks at least once a month.

Meanwhile, I’m enjoying the last three weeks of vacation. I’m waiting for the school district to decide on when the schools begin. We’re waiting for the new guidelines and if we can go back to the building. It’s going to be an interest school year that’s for sure.

SoCS~”More”

SoCS~ Song

I didn’t look at any picture.  I have been in bed for weeks; the depression has been tough. I didn’t want to be up and everything around me it’s a mess. I look at the mirror and I’m a mess and my house it’s terrible.

On Wednesday, I came out of my bedroom to visit the doctor and she changes my MEDs. After a long talk with my doctor, I decided enough was enough. I begin cleaning the house step by step because I still not motivated it. Also, I have been listening to the radio. I love listening to Air One radio station where they play Christian music. The song that came first it’s from Lauren Daigle “You Say”. You can imagine my face, my heart was pounding hard, and I finish the song with tears.

I’m tired of suffering from depression. I’m hoping with the new MEDs I will finally have it under control. Also, I will start counseling very soon.

SoCS~ Song

“Ent”, “ten”, “net”

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “ent” “ten” “net.” Use one, use two or use all three (bonus points for using two, double-bonus points for using all three). As Linda would say, use ’em any way you’d like. Enjoy!

 

If you have been reading my blog you all know I’m suffering from chronic depression and recently diagnose bipolar. I’ve made an appointment with a counselor and they have changed my MEDs. The doctor mentioned another alternative if I want to think about it. He recommends to try the cannabis medicine. He can fill the paperwork and give me an I.D. card so I can get into a Herbology dispenser and get MEDs. I really don’t want to try it. So for now, my answer is a No. That’s the update on my health.

 

My husband wants me to have a relaxed weekend. No house duties, no babysitting, and no work of any kind. On Friday he surprises me with tickets to see one of my favorite comedian Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias. I laugh so hard that the people sitting next to me they will laugh at my expenses. After the show I felt my body was light and my head all clear up. I give this show a ten plus. One thing I took from the show “Fluffy” made it the center of the show. Do not plan to be happy in a year or a month that will make the person miserable trying to be happy. Just take the happiness we get at the moment and enjoy every second. There is no perfect life because it will be boring so take the bad and turn it into the happy moments and enjoy life. After the storm it will come the happy moments.

 

Then last night I went with my husband to a bar. They have an October Fest and it was fun. I have a few drinks meanwhile my husband enjoys his German beer. So, I did have a great weekend and I’m grateful how much my husband is trying to help me with my condition. I’m keeping my finger cross and wait to see how everything will come out with counseling and new MEDs.

 

Thank you to everyone who has been helpful with your thoughts and comments. This illness is serious and I don’t want it at all. I will be resting for the rest of the day and of course I need to start decorating for the fall. Have a great weekend and enjoy your happy moments.

SoCS SoCS badge by Pamela, at https://achronicalofhope.com/

SoCS~ “Ent”, “Ten”, “Net”

Not a good weekend

After I came home on Friday from work, I’ve been depressed. The weekend has been hard and yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve in a long time. When I’m depressed, I cry all the time, I get sensitive, and angry at the same time. The mixed feelings make my head spin, nausea it, and sick all day. I also turn into this mean and awful person. I don’t like it at all.

 

I took my Med’s and I’m beginning to cool down. My mind and brain feels heavy and tired with all these negative thoughts. Another thing I’m always overthinking, especially when I supposed to be sleeping. My brain stays awake, he keeps thinking what’s next. It’s a strange feeling.

 

It looks this is the time of the year when I get depressed more often. It began last week with my mom’s 33 years of passing. Also, in a few weeks it will be my dad’s birthday and of course in November it will be two years he passed away. It’s hard to control the mixed feelings, it makes me feel guilty and worse. I don’t know what else I can do except to keep taking my Med’s and pray that I don’t hurt myself.

A recap on my bullet Journal

I begin a journal in April. Having been depressed all the time I was missing appointments, forgetting to take my medicines, birthdays, and I was getting disorganized. My daughter gave me a Faith planner and I didn’t know what to expect. I decide to check on the internet and I found the bullet journal. I check a few sites and I was amazed by the creativity some people were put on it. You can track anything you want and decorated the way you like it. Of course, all the drawings weren’t necessary, however it makes the journal looks beautiful. I decide to make one.

 

The first two months I was tracking too many projects and I was overwhelmed. I want my journal to look like the ones I was seeing on the website. My first mistake I can’t draw therefore my journal wasn’t looking as beautiful as the one I was watching on the internet. I became more frustrated with it and I ended throwing the journal. I’ve to get a new one. Second mistake I was spending too much time overthinking and for that reason nothing was getting done. The depression was getting worse. My third mistake I was tracking too many projects and I wasn’t getting anywhere. I want to quit the journal, however I’m not a quitter.

 

I decide to give it another try, but this time in a different direction. I’ve to make this journal work for me. During the summer my journal was all about my vacation time with my grandkids. I track the places we visit, my mood tracker was pretty good, and I took all my medicines on time.

 

The month of August I made a few changes. I was tracking my eating habits and my appointments. Now I’m back to work and I want to incorporate a few things from work like my meetings and ordering. I don’t want to get overwhelmed, but I don’t want to forget those little things. In the future I can add some blogging ideas and with the holidays approaching a shopping list.

 

A lesson learned I don’t need to compete with other journals. My journal must accomplish my needs and keep me organized.

 

A letter to God

Dear God;

I wake up this morning wanting to write in this letter. I pray daily. I ask questions and I ask for answers. I feel I don’t know how to talk or listen to you. As a mother my children are my priority and when I pray, I always ask you to protect them. My daughter called last night heartbroken and I got upset. Why her? Why if I leave my children in your care this has to happen to her? I’m trying to understand.

I’m a decent person. I’m grateful for everything I’ve I always do, still it looks it’s not enough. Why, when I think everything is going well these things have to happen? How can I help my daughter when I don’t an answer from you?

God, why I can’t hear your voice? Don’t feel offended, I’m not challenging you I want to hear you. I want what others claim they can hear your voice. Do I need to do something different? I’m getting tired of praying and praying and feeling that no one cares. Don’t take it in a wrong way I’m not questioning your authority. I love going to church, reading passages of the bible, and listening to gospel music. Meanwhile, everyone else feels the grace of your love, however my heart feels empty. Why?

I’m not depressed. My mind is clear and I’m focus. This is not about myself not believing in you, because I do believe in you. I believe in the power of prayers and I do believe in miracles. What it’s wrong?

I understand no one’s life is perfect and we all have to deal with difficulties. There is ups and downs in everyone’s life and we have to try to be a better person. My sister like to say it’s God’s will and he knows what is doing or God has a purpose. A purpose, what kind of purpose. All I want is my prayer be heard. Oh God, my daughter needs you now.

Why you test our love and respect? What’s my purpose and how I can prove it to you? I sound upset and yes, I am. However, please don’t punish myself for being upset and don’t take it on my children. It’s true, I don’t go to church often; however, it doesn’t make me a terrible person. Okay I’m going to ask what is your plan for me and my family?

I don’t want to hear any criticism or is God’s plans from anyone, because my heart is crying for my daughter. God this is me you know my heart. This is a mother who is praying for her daughter. Also, I think I’ve proved my love for you. I know you have to answer to others prayers; however, I do want to hear your voice like any other Christian who claims you do answer their prayers. If that it’s a selfish request?

Again, I’m not depressed I’m just sad about this situation. I will keep praying, I will keep my faith, and I will keep waiting for an answer. I hope my daughter gets the peace and clarity she needs.

I hope I can get what I’m asking from you. And I’m sorry for my mistakes since I’m not perfect.

SoCS~ Magic!

Your prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “ma.” Use it as a word or find a word with “ma” in it. Bonus points if you start your post with that word. Enjoy!

Magic…It’s the perfect “word” for the holidays. It’s what I always intend for my family and myself.

As December 1st the countdown to Christmas has begun. Can you imagine the pressure of the holidays on a person who suffers from depression? Every year, all I want it’s my family to have the best Christmas. It’s not about the gifts, it’s about being together and creating memories.

How can I find the magic of the holidays? Where is it? I know they showed it in the movies, however in real life where is it? For sure it’s not at the mall. I went shopping and some of the people were pushy, was cranky, and cutting in line like it was the last day on earth.

This is my favorite holiday; however, the pressure is already showing up. By the way, I’m almost done decorating my home and like every year the house is looking as winter in wonderland. Yes, I overdo it again.

My daughter has suggested to battle my depression with doing something for myself. She asks what was my dream when I was growing up. What it’s the one thing I always wants to accomplish. I didn’t have an answer. It’s been too long since I’ve my priorities straight. I’ve raised my children and then help with my grandkids so my goals and dreams has been postponed. And now I’ve an empty nest I feel my life has no purpose. So, what do I really want? Beside of having a happy family. I can’t believe nothing comes in my mind.

Should I get a new hobby, should I own my small café & book store that I always want, or should I keep writing short stories and put them out there instead of collecting them in my computer.

I’ll love to feel the Magic of Christmas and live in a magical world. However, it doesn’t work that way.

SoCS SoCS badge by Pamela, at https://achronicalofhope.com/

SoCS~ Magic, brought to you by Linda G. Hill.

 

SoCS~ Meanwhile

It has been a tough week. The first anniversary of my father’s passing is almost here. To be exact he passed a Nov. 12th so on this Monday would be the first year. I’m glad we don’t work on Monday as we celebrated Veteran’s Day. You can imagine how emotional I’ve been feeling.

Meanwhile, my little granddaughter turns 2 and we just celebrated her birthday. I’ve to show a happy face for her and the family. It’s tough seem happy when your heart feels different. It brings the memories of last year when I was talking to my father about her birthday party and then suddenly he has the heart attack.

My oldest son who knows what’s going on with my depression wants me to be strong and be positive. Also, he recommends I stop watching depressing TV, especially the News. I know in my heart he’s right, however depression can be a tough battle hard to win.

SoCS SoCS badge by Pamela, at https://achronicalofhope.com/

SoCS~ Meanwhile